New Year, New Me

At the end of December in 2018, I made a post with some New Years Resolutions which included the following things:

• SAME OLD / Eat healthier
• SAME OLD / Ditch the negativity
• SAME OLD / Don't do things that make me miserable for the sake of making others happy
• NEW / Ride for the journey, not the ribbons
• NEW/ Be less wasteful/Have less environmental impact
• NEW / De-Clutter your life physically & emotionally
• NEW / Read more Novels

Truth be told, I feel like I nailed all of the "Same Old" plans.  I've lost a little weight, I look at myself and things around me with a much more positive light, and I have become more firm in standing up for myself and my own happiness and mental well-being.  I have never denied myself the foods I want, but I have been much more aware of the nutrients I put in my body and have made healthier choices.  Recently, my husband (who normally saunters out of bed after I leave for work) asked if he could get up at the same time as me, and we alternate cooking breakfast for each other so we spend a little more time together and start the day off right.  Neither of us are big breakfast eaters so this was a bit of an adjustment, but I think it has helped boost my metabolism.  In addition, I have been working on becoming more well-spoken in awkward situations, more thoughtful about the words I choose, and holding my mental well-being to a higher standard than years passed.  I have always been a 'giver', but that can sometimes get a person in trouble so in 2019 I worked to make sure I was putting myself in situations that I truly wanted to be in, not ones I thought I needed to be in.

As for my new goals, some of these I feel I completed, and others were only partial-success's.  It's no secret that Sierra and I had a really tough year and while we did get some ribbons, most (but not all) felt as though they were won by default.  It was hard not to get caught up in the frustration, but if I have learned anything recently it is that it's hard to grow inside a shaded box.  As for being less wasteful, I do feel as though I made progress this year in that regard and I have some plans to be even less wasteful in 2020+.  De-Cluttering my life seems to go hand-in-hand with a lot of other aspects (ditching negativity, etc) but I think I did pretty well with this. I'm a bit of a minimalist and don't hold much attachment to inanimate objects so I am very quick to discard things rather than let 'junk' pile up.  Finally, I read more novels than I had in years passed but still not as many as I would like.  I find I read a lot in the winter, but Spring - Fall I rarely seem to have (or make) time!

Ironically, when I started this post several weeks ago, I naturally began thinking of 2020 goals.  I had intentions to better track my financial investment in horses and my monthly accomplishments - something I started last year, but lost track after a few months.  I had plans to really invest myself in lessons and training with my new coach/trainer, and figure this nonsense out with Sierra. I had plans to really sort out this trail riding issue, and get us back on track. I was ready to dig-in, grit my teeth and cowboy up if that's what was needed........ and then my nearly 4 years of infertility came to an end and on November 27th I learned I was pregnant.  Suddenly everything I thought I knew or planned for my future was out the window, and I began to spiral into the what-if's of life.  I concluded that due to all the issues and early losses we have had, rather than get too carried away it would make a fantastic Christmas Gift for my husband.  The First Trimester has been everything pregnant/mommy friends have promised and more, and it has been god damn awful. I have been too ill and exhausted to ride, and as a result Sierra is not responding well to the lack of (or inconsistent) exercise program, but she's going to have to get used to it.  She is still going to my Trainers for a month or so, and in passing she asked if I was interested in selling her.  I told her I do not 'need' to sell her, but she is talented enough that she doesn't deserve to sit around if a perfect home with a reasonably heavy cheque book were interested.  Despite our hardships, I truly do enjoy her so I am not going out of my way to advertise her, however if she did sell I would likely switch gears and find a quiet dude with lots of trail and show miles to pack my post-baby butt around for the coming years.  It's truly remarkable how your entire view on life and everything in it changes based on that little pink line, but as someone who has tried too hard, for too long, and had too many heartbreaks and losses to count, I am not willing to jeopardize losing the currently implanted bean by doing my usual go-to of pushing myself to the brink of sheer exhaustion and mental break down.  I still intend to ride as much as I can, for as long as I can, once this dreaded exhaustion and morning sickness subsides, but needless to say the frequency and content of this blog is going to do a 180 in the not-so-distant future!

2019 is not ending as I expected, and 2020 is looking to be entirely different than I had anticipated, but I look forward to the changes coming our way and I'm anxiously waiting to add another responsibility to my already hectic lifestyle, and find the balance between advancing my riding, and raising a family on a shoestring budget.

Here's to 2020, and continuing to feel a new sense of insanity.